Today was difficult. Things going wrong, lacking motivation to do.. anything. Sitting in bed and wanting to go to bed at 9, not because I’m tired, but because I don’t have the energy to even lay here and read. It’s just one of those days. Taking comfort in the knowledge that no matter what difficult situations I find myself in, I’ve probably been through worse. I think to myself – one foot in front of the other and every day you wake up is a new morning to feel different. To begin the process towards healing, towards being healthier, towards progressing in personal goals, and getting better at life. One day at a time. For me, it’s hard to change course in a day, but when I wake up, I love that feeling before memory sets in that you just feel happy. The trick is of course to keep that feeling, to embrace it, and not backslide so much in the things that do make you happy that its becomes a ripple effect. I try very hard to still be productive, even if it’s painful. So that at least even at the end of it and was miserable I can say.. but at least I read three books, learned guitar, and my apartment is real clean!
I’ve been through those days when
even just breathing is painful.
Waking up to start a new day that I did not want to begin
but at least I was moving. Keeping occupied
laying awake with my thoughts
turning over, and over, and over
still not sleeping.
Looking forward to nighttime
so I could take a pill
and pass out. Letting sleep drift in,
enjoying the numbness of not even being able to keep my eyes open
Sleeping for half a day and to still not feel rested.
Blurring together the days
You wake up groggy and can barely focus.
It took so much caffeine just to get me back to normal that
even when I would try not needing it that night, I needed something just to help me through
another dreamless night.
It was rock bottom.
Dealing with my demons was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. To face yourself at your ugliest in a moment of honesty and reflection. The sooner you face it, the sooner it is dealt with and behind you and you can learn from it, and embrace your mistakes knowing they are just as much a part of you as your successes. I remind myself during the bad days that it is better to sit here and feel… than to numb it. Life is not about avoiding pain but dealing with it.