Change can be scary. It can also be an impetus for personal growth and new experiences. I used to crave change. I was moving every three months for a few years sometimes just to a new apartment, sometimes to a new city or new country. I craved impermanence and at a deeper level, not making any place a home meant that it didn’t matter if it was. At times I felt that I cherished the friendships more that I had, knowing I could leave at any time – but it also prevented me from getting close to people.. knowing also that I could just leave so why invest the time and effort to really get to know someone when the time it takes to truly get to someone will just be cut short. Goodbyes were not as hard, moving was a routine, and.. it’s been awhile.
This time I’m moving again, but just twenty minutes away and it’s stressful and nerve-wracking and worst of all, I’ve forced this situation on myself: I don’t even have to move. I like where I’m at. I’m comfortable.
You Need a Change to Make a Change
I feel stagnant. I’ve been at my job for four years, in this area for six, my current apartment for 2.5. I’ve thought about moving to a new state and wasn’t ready. I’m scared to move, I’m becoming scared of change. This bothers me. I spontaneously started looking at places a few weeks ago and now I’ll be moving in another one. It’s like cliff jumping. You can’t think.. you just have to do it. I hope this place makes me happy. I will have a yard so I can finally get a dog. I finally can have a porch to sit on and drink wine or my morning coffee. These are things that make me happy. I’ll be managing the house and the tenants, so that makes me anxious. I wrote up my first lease agreement. I will need to figure out how to drive a U-Haul. I was settling for less in my current apartment because it was comfortable. I have a parking lot for a view, and a bedroom that I retreat to and close the door when I’m tired. I don’t spend much time here and when I do I prefer to be alone. I remember when I was first beginning my traveling journey and I arrived at my room at a hostel in Colombia that I shared with 10 other people. I arrived after spending a long journey across the border to get there. I was worried about all the bad things I had heard, about violence, about border towns, about traveling alone. I was here and I wasn’t going back. I just laid on the bed and focused on my breathing, completely overwhelmed and exhausted. I prepared myself mentally to get up, go downstairs and make new friends in a new place, all over again and wish for the best. Taking that first step is the hardest, and the rest will come.
Let’s do this.